????“爭執會令聰明人看起來很愚蠢。”——丹尼爾?戈爾曼，《情商》一書作者

????還記得終于找到一份有前途的工作時，你是怎樣的滿懷期望嗎？你有許多好點子迫不及待想要提出來，你對解決問題成竹在胸，你認為自己總是與眾不同的。在應對新職業的諸多挑戰同時，也充滿了結識新朋友的可能性。

????然而，世事無常。你遭遇了辦公室政治。這種持續的沖突與權力斗爭在現代公司內無處不在。拉幫結伙、公開沖突的原始沖動、飲水機旁的竊竊私語、最后演變成公然的爭吵和人身攻擊……真是令人既震驚，又痛苦、失望。于是，你不得不將自己的夢想放到次要位置，先去解決“我在這種環境中如何生存”這一問題。

????我回憶起曾經工作過的一家跨國公司。當時能夠去紐約參加公司的全球年會，讓我非常興奮。各種演示結束之后，同事們在休息時間聚在一起，聊著其他同事的閑話。我知道了關于公司創始人的許多令人吃驚的事情……或者至少聽到了人們聲稱絕對真實的“故事”。突然我開始懷疑……我真的適合這樣的場景嗎？我真的想在這種地方浪費寶貴的時間嗎？

????多年來，我遇到過無數類似的情況：正常情況下聰明冷靜、才華橫溢的人不再專注于為公司做貢獻，而是將大多數精力用于和上司、同事與客戶的持續沖突。他們沒有專注于業務，而是忙于內斗。如果你也有同感，說明你已身陷其中了。下面五種方法，可以幫助你應對沖突，專注于自己的事業：

????1. 不要傳播流言蜚語。對于談論別人的閑話，你要做到不聞不問。不參與，不聽，不傳播。向你說這些話的人都有自己的動機，而且這些都是二手信息。只要沒有親身經歷，你便不能分辨這些話的真假。每一個故事都可能有不同的版本。

????2. 學會同理心。你接觸的每一個人都有人類的需求和情感。他們盡一切努力在他們的環境中生存下去。不要去評判、評價、批評或攻擊他人，你應該培養對他們的世界、挑戰和處境的好奇心。你要假定他們是無辜的。你或許不可能同意他們對每一件事情的看法。但你應該記住，他們是你的商業合作伙伴，而合作是公司成功的關鍵。不要評判他人，編造他人的故事，而是要去觀察對方，對對方的感受感興趣。渴望了解他們的真正需求。只要學會了同理心，你就會發現他們的需求其實與你的需求非常類似。我們真的有如此大的區別嗎？多關注他們情感背后的需求，少關注他們的情緒。情緒是膚淺的。需求才是普遍的，有效的。

????3. 掌握情感密語。我們都會有情緒和情感。但大多數人都忘了，我們的情感是對需求的響應。我們之所以感覺“糟糕”，是因為我們的某些人類需求未得到滿足。我們之所以感覺“良好”，是因為某些需求得到了滿足。所以，當你看到有人在生氣、沮喪、悲傷、煩躁時，這些情緒在告訴你什么？它在告訴你，他們的某些深層次需求沒有得到滿足。這時，你可以有一個選擇：將他們的情感表達判斷為“錯誤的、不恰當的、自私的或愚蠢的”，或者你會留意到，這個人的某些合理需求沒有得到滿足。你可以幫助他們滿足需求，而不是評判他們是“錯誤的”，這樣你不僅可以幫助他們，也能給你帶來改變。

????假如你在開車的時候，紅色警示燈突然亮了起來。它告訴你汽車需要加油，或者散熱器需要加水。這時候，你需要做的就是停下來，提供引擎所需要的東西，然后繼續駕駛。但許多人會有不同的反應。他們不是去解決需求，而是拔出電線，關掉警示燈。如今，這些人都住到了傻瓜的天堂。因為真正的需求沒有得到解決，而是被故意忽視。引擎自然會爆炸。

????當人們在面臨沖突時，他們的情感會表露出來，如果你仔細觀察，我們可以將“警示燈”（他們的情感）作為一個提醒，表明他們某些更深層次的需求沒有得到滿足。我們不能犯前文所述的錯誤，而是要努力挖掘出他們的深層需求。我們對評判他人沒有興趣，我們感興趣的是如何幫助他們滿足深層次需求。這才是同理心的本質，也是情商的精髓所在。

????那么，所謂的情感“密語”到底是什么？即理解情感就像一根指針，指向了某種需求，如安全、承認、確定性、愛、幸福、生存、創造性、成就、認可、樂趣等。這些需求是普遍存在的，我們每一個人都有同樣的需求。當需求得不到滿足時，人們便會爆發某種情感——提醒我們，某些方面有所缺失。忽視、評判甚至反對這些情感，“引擎”將會爆炸，沖突是最終結果。你是否足夠聰明，能夠透過表面，滿足真正的需求？或者，你是否依然只是去判斷、評價、批評他人，認為別人是錯誤的？

????“Conflict makes intelligent people look stupid.” ——Daniel Goleman, author of “Emotional Intelligence.”

????Remember what it was like to finally get a promising job, all your hopes and expectations? All the great ideas you were going to bring, the problems you knew you could solve, the difference you were going to make. And all the potential partnerships that would develop as you faced the many challenges of your new career.

????And then, something happened. You discovered office politics. The ongoing conflicts and power struggles that permeate modern organizations. The factions. The cliques. The raw emotions of open conflict. The furtive conversations at the water cooler. The open shouting and name calling when tempers flared and conflicts came out into the open. How shocking, how painful, how disappointing. And your dreams began to take a backseat to the question “How am I going to survive in this environment?”

????I recall a global organization I once worked for and how excited I was to attend their global annual meeting in New York, The Big Apple. After all the presentations, colleagues would meet up during the breaks and gossip about other colleagues. I learned amazing things about the company’s founder….or at least I heard ‘stories’ that people claimed to be true. Suddenly I began to wonder…do I really fit into this picture? Is this the kind of place I want to spend me precious time?

????And, over the years, I experienced uncountable situations where normally calm, talented and intelligent people lost their focus on contributing and expended most of their energy on their ongoing conflicts with bosses, other colleagues and customers. Instead of engaging in business, they were busy engaging in warfare. If any of this resonates with you, you have come to the right place. Here are five proven methods to help you deal with conflict and keep your focus on your business:

????1. Don’t Gossip.When you hear things about other people, put cotton in your ears. Don’t get involved, don’t listen and don’t repeat what you heard. What you are hearing comes from people who have an agenda, and it is second-hand information. If you didn’t experience what they report personally, you don’t know if it is true or not. There are always two sides to every story.

????2. Learn to Empathize.Everyone you will ever meet is a human being with human needs and human feelings. They are doing the best they know how to survive in their environment. Instead of judging, evaluating, criticizing or attacking….become curious about their world, their challenges, their situation. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you don’t agree with them on everything. But remember, they are your partners in a business and partnerships are key to business success. Instead of judging them and making up stories about them, just observe them and take an interest in what they are feeling. Take an interest in what they really need in the situation. With empathy you will discover that their needs are actually very similar to your own. Are we really so different? Pay more attention to the needs that underlie their feelings, and less attention to their content. Content is superficial. Needs are universal and valid.

????3. Learn the Secret Language of Feelings.We all have emotions and feelings. But most people have forgotten that our feelings are a response to our needs. When we feel “bad” it is because some human need is not being met. When we feel “good” it is because some need is being satisfied. So when you see people that are angry, frustrated, sad, upset…what does it tell you? It tells you that some deep need is going unmet. You have a choice: you can judge their expression of their feelings as being “wrong, inappropriate, selfish, stupid, or whatever,” or, you can simply notice that this is a person who has some legitimate need that isn’t being met. If you can focus on helping them get their needs met, instead of judging them ‘wrong’ then you can make a difference for them, and for you.

????Imagine that you are driving in your car and the red warning light comes on. It is just telling you that the engine needs oil or the radiator needs water. So all you need to do is stop and provide what the engine needs and you can keep driving. But many people have a different response. Instead of addressing the need…they pull out the wire so that the warning light goes off. And now, they are living in a Fool’s Paradise. Because the real need is not being addressed, it is being willfully ignored. And of course, the engine is going to blow up.

????So when people are in conflict, their feelings surface and if we are paying attention we take the ‘warning light’ (their feelings) as an indication that some deeper need isn’t being met. Instead of making the ‘warning light’ wrong, we become interested in what is going on at a deeper level. We aren’t interested in judging them, we are interested in helping them meet the deeper need. That is the nature of empathy and it is the essence of Emotional Intelligence, also known as “EQ.”

????So what is the ‘secret language’ of feelings? It is the understanding that feelings are just pointers, pointing so some need for safety, acknowledgement, certainty, love, happiness, survival, creativity, achievement, acceptance, fun, etc. These needs are universal, they live in all of us. And when they are not met, feelings arise…feelings that alert us that something is missing. Ignore them, judge them, fight against them…the ‘engine’ is going to blow up and conflict is the result. Are you wise enough to look beneath the surface and address the real need? Or will you continue to just judge, evaluate, criticize and generally make people wrong?