辦公室里十大奇葩，你見過幾種？
Daniel Bukszpan
2016-08-21
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人生就是這樣現實，你不可能跟單位的每個同事都處得很好，所以一定要看開：你是來單位工作的，不是來交朋友的。 如果你干過很多份工作，你可能就會注意到，單位這個林子一旦大了，什么類型的鳥都會有。比如郁郁不得志的藝術家，一心憧憬婚禮的恨嫁女，正打算離婚的中年大姐……他們的名字可能換了一茬又一茬，故事內核還是那一套。總之是流水的人名，鐵打的杯具。 更杯具的就是你剛剛脫離了上一份工作，以為自己終于逃離了那幾個性格令人難以忍受的家伙，卻募然發現你的新同事活脫脫又是他們的翻版，那才真正令人三觀盡毀，五內俱焚。因此，你最好注意一下這些負能量的性格，以后好有多遠躲多遠。 為此，《金錢》（Money）雜志評選出了辦公室里最令人惱火的十種人。任何一個人只要在職場上混過幾年，都能認出他們。 抑郁青年 人人都有過一些難熬的日子，但對于抑郁青年們來說，每一個工作日都是大陰天。她的收件箱里但凡有郵件進來，她還沒打開看看內容，就會先痛苦地呻吟一聲。每個項目都會引發她無休無止的抱怨。指望她按時上班更是不可能的事，因為這樣就剝奪了她抱怨交通的機會。 當然，抑郁青年完全可以早上早出門一會兒，晚上晚走一會兒，以避免被領導抓到。但是這種話在她面前提都不能提，你最好還是把自己的耳機戴上，讓她自己作死去吧。 攪屎棍 公司有很多項目要上馬，但卻沒有多少時間來執行。出現了這種緊急狀況，最好的辦法就是召集一個會議來統一一下思想。倒霉的是你居然邀請了攪屎棍先生，他人生的最大樂趣就是攪亂會議的主題，不知不覺就把一個會開成了另一個會，光剩他在那里得瑟。 你知道他今天要去干洗店取衣服嗎？你知道下周末他女兒要登臺表演芭蕾舞嗎？你今天真是賺到了，他決定把這些得意的事都放到今天的會議上講一講，讓大家普天同慶一下子。而且一旦你妄圖把會議拉回到正題上，他的嘴巴會張得能吃人，因為他想不到你吃了什么豹子膽，竟然敢打斷他。 保密狂人 你從公司的地下八卦網絡聽說了一些事，但沒有一件是好事。“重組”、“人力資源”、“冗員”這些詞兒開始在你的同事圈子里流傳，頗有山雨欲來風滿樓之勢。如果你的領導能給你透露一點點信息，則會有助你放松緊繃的神經。或者如果真是伸頭縮頭都要挨上那么一刀了，至少也能給你留下點準備的時間。 如果你的領導是個保密狂人，那么你不要嫌麻煩，一定要主動恭請教益。因為他肚子里的任何信息可能都與你的命運有關，哪怕從牙縫里隨便擠出一句半句，也能在不起眼處幫你一些忙。“保密狂人”自身的權力感，就來自于他知道一些你不知道的東西。 跨國神秘男 作為人類的本能，我們天生就愛跟那些喜歡躲著我們的人犯賤。越是不鳥你的人，你就越愛往人家跟前湊。“跨國神秘男”就深知人的這一心理弱點，因此他永遠不接電話、不回郵件，你永遠也在辦公室里看不見他。 正由于他神龍見首不見尾，你就更會發動親戚、朋友、同事、項目伙伴等所有關系去找他。“跨國神秘男”終于勉為其難同意見你五分鐘。當然，為了這五分鐘的見面，他總是會遲到20分鐘，然后再以“來晚了”為理由提前三分鐘閃人。 陰謀論者 陰謀論者深信“總有刁民想害朕”，有人策劃了各種陰謀詭計阻止他升職。他相信他遇到的每一個挫折、每一個挑戰每一次拖延都是精心策劃的陰謀，目的就是要摧毀他。 他斷定他身邊的每個人都在策劃不可告人的陰謀，好將他置于死地，然后取代他的職位。對于這種人，你最好不惜一切代價避開他，除非絕對沒有別的選擇，否則盡量不要跟他共事。否早他遲早也會把你列入他的敵人名單上。 話嘮小姐 你想不想知道你那位20來歲的女同事周五晚上都干了什么，她那天晚上喝了多少酒，第二天有多難受？什么？你說不想？可惜親愛的話嘮小姐還是要說，而且會添油加醋地把各種細節描述得詳細無比，不管你愛不愛聽。 好在話嘮小姐的毛病并不難治。只要話嘮小姐打開了話匣子，你就不妨打斷她，逼她看你娃的照片，或者在房地產網站上給她看你想買的房子，問問她對你的理財顧問推薦給你的養老基金有啥看法。看著她眼中無聊的神色，你的心里就會不由得涌上一絲報復的快感：小樣兒我還治不了你了！ 不吧嘰嘴不舒服斯基 這種場景我們肯定都經歷過。時間到了下午兩點半，工作把人弄得疲憊不堪，你的肚子也餓得咕咕叫了。唯一的選擇就是坐在辦公桌前墊巴墊巴。但是你不是一個沒教養的人，所以你吃得非常小心，生怕咀嚼的聲音太大，引得隔壁辦公桌的老王向你投來不爽的目光。 而不吧嘰嘴不舒服斯基同志卻沒有這種崇高覺悟。他甚至等不及被工作弄得精疲力竭時再開吃——他每天都在辦公桌上吃東西，別以為他不啃生菜你的耳根就清靜了，他就算吃一碗燕麥粥也能嚼出脆骨的聲音來。 低語者 在辦公室里大聲聊天的人非常遭人忌恨，在其音波所及范圍內的人都甭想專心工作了。但這些大嗓門卻并非辦公室里唯一會使用聲波武器的人。低語者的殺傷力也著實不小，只是他們交談的聲音很低，你必須湊近了才能聽見他們在說什么。 你可能覺得他們這樣做真體貼，然而根本不是這么回事。低語者之所以這樣做，只是一個策略，為的就是讓每個看見他的嘴唇在動的人都集中精力去聽他在說什么——而且很多時候這一招確實奏效。 開會不說干什么的人 你的收件箱里是啥？原來是一封會議通知，但它只說了會議的時間和地點，卻并沒有說會議的主題。這是因為那個光叫你去開會而又不說干什么的家伙召喚了你，至于在那個心驚肉跳的半個小時里，在那扇緊閉的會議室門內會發生什么，就任由大伙兒去猜了。 或許你今天又走了狗屎運——這只不過又是一次曬娃大會，也有可能是大家要送別一個離職的同事。還有可能郵件抄送欄里那些你不認識的人都是律師，大家正琢磨著怎么起訴你。誰知道呢？這位只叫開會不說干什么的老兄玩的就是心跳，他就是想讓你在知道真相前讓冷汗先流一會兒。 劇透狂人 現在是星期一的上午，由于一些你無法控制的原因，你昨晚沒能看成最新一集的“權力的游戲”。你滿心期待著晚上看一遍重播，而劇透狂人卻不愿意給你這個機會，他大聲向你劇透了每一個情節，每一個角色是怎么死的，每一個陰謀是怎么揭露的。 也不知道是健忘，還是他有一種光想毀掉別人的樂趣的變態心理，劇透狂人就是無法抑制住向飲水機旁的任何一個人進行深度劇透的欲望。所以周一上午你一定要離他遠一點，除非你真的想在親自看劇之前，就知道哪個角色在這一季的最后一集掛掉了。（財富中文網） 譯者：樸成奎 |
It’s a fact of life that you’re not always going to get along with everyone you work with. That’s OK, though. You’re a grown-up, and you come to the office to work, not to make friends. Still, if you’ve held numerous jobs, you may have noticed that various archetypes have appeared in every workplace. The struggling artist, the millennial planning her wedding, the 40-something planning her divorce. The names may change, but the shticks remain the same. When the shticks in question come in the form of a grating, unbearable personality whose behavior is an exact replica of one that you left at your previous job, it can be a real morale destroyer. That’s why the best thing to do is take note of these personalities, and resolve to avoid them in the future when possible. Toward this end, MONEY presents a list of 10 infuriating office personalities to steer clear of. Anyone who’s been in the workforce for a few years will recognize them. Read on… Debbie Downer We all have our bad days, but for Debbie Downer, they’re known as “weekdays.” Every email that hits her inbox elicits a groan, before she even opens it. Every project produces interminable complaining. And coming in on time is out of the question. After all, that would rob her of the opportunity to complain about the traffic. Debbie Downer is of course free to take matters into her own hands and skirt these problems by leaving for work a little earlier or staying a little later to get caught up. Suggesting this to her, however, is verboten, and your best bet is just to put on headphones and let her flail. The Diverter There are a lot of projects coming up, and not much time to execute them. The best way to communicate this urgency is to call a meeting, and quickly get everyone on the same page. Too bad you invited The Diverter, whose greatest joy in life is to interrupt a meeting midstream and turn it into a whole other meeting, whose agenda items include him, him and him. Did you know that he has dry cleaning to pick up today? Or that next weekend is his daughter’s ballet recital? Lucky for you, he’s decided that your meeting is the ideal forum to bring everyone up to speed on these fascinating developments. The best part is when you try to regain control of the agenda, and his jaw drops over the fact that you had the audacity to interrupt him. The Information Hoarder You’ve been hearing some things from the grapevine, and none of them are good. Terms like “reorg” and “human resources” and “redundant” have been swirling around, and if your boss could just throw a little information your way, it would really help calm your nerves, or at least give you time to prepare for the inevitable. If your boss is The Information Hoarder, don’t bother asking. This person holds back any and all information that may pertain to your situation, as he does with any other knowledge that might help you in some small way. The Information Hoarder derives all his feelings of power from the knowledge that he knows something that you don’t. The international Man of Mystery As human beings, we pursue those who retreat from us. Indeed, few people in the world fascinate us more than those who won’t give us the time of day. The International Man of Mystery understands this, and therefore never picks up his phone, never answers his email and never sits at his desk. Due to his scarcity, you will blow off everything – friends, family, coworkers, current projects, you name it – when The International Man of Mystery finally deigns to grant you five minutes. Unsurprisingly, he’ll show up 20 minutes late for those five minutes, and invoke “running late” as his reason for cutting the meeting off after two minutes. The Jonestown Resident The Jonestown Resident is convinced that he is the subject of machinations designed to stymie his professional advancement. He believes that every setback, every challenge and every delay is a deliberate plot, designed to destroy him. He is certain that everyone around him is hatching Machiavellian plots to undermine him and take his plumb job. The best advice is to avoid this individual at all costs and work with him only when there is absolutely no other choice. Otherwise he will inevitably put you on his enemies list. Little Miss TMI Have you ever wondered what your 20-something coworker did on Friday night, how much she had to drink or if she suffered a hangover from it? No? Well, too bad. Little Miss TMI is going to fill you in on the fascinating details anyway, whether you want to hear about it or not. Luckily for you, this is one scenario in which you can actually retaliate. When Little Miss TMI starts in, interrupt her and insist that she look at photos of your children. Forward her the Zillow listing for the house you’re closing on. Ask what she thinks about the retirement account options your financial adviser has recommended. As her eyes glaze over with boredom, enjoy a brief moment of revenge. The Loud Desk Eater Hey, we’ve all been there. It’s 2:30, you’re slammed with work and you’re starving. The only option is to eat at your desk, but since you’re not a philistine, you take great care not to emit any onerous chewing noises, smacking noises or any other sound that would engender glares of disgust from your cubicle mates. The Loud Desk Eater has no such hangups. In fact, The Loud Desk Eater will not even wait until he’s bogged down with work to eat at his desk – he does it every day. And don’t think that his avoidance of raw vegetables will buy you his silence. He’s able to extract a surprising amount of volume out of oatmeal. The Low Talker People who talk too loud are a common curse in most offices, distracting and interrupting everyone within earshot. But the loud coworker isn’t the only one who uses volume as a weapon. The Low Talker does it too, by talking so quietly that you have to lean in to hear what he has to say. Lest you think The Low Talker is doing this to be considerate, think again. Consideration for the office has nothing to do with it. The Low Talker does this as a tactic to get the undivided attention of everyone who can see his lips moving — and chances are, it works. The No Context Meeting Inviter What’s that in your inbox? It’s a meeting invitation, and it says when and where to be, but not what it’s about. This is because The No Context Meeting Inviter has summoned you, and it’s anybody’s guess what’s going down in that half-hour that he’s blocked out in conference room B. Maybe you’ll get lucky and it’s just a baby shower. Maybe it’s farewell drinks for a departing colleague. Or maybe all those people you don’t know in the cc field of the email are corporate lawyers, and you’re about to be sued. Who knows? The No Context Meeting Inviter does, that’s who, and he’s content to let you sweat until you find out the hard way. The Spoiler It’s Monday morning, and due to circumstances beyond your control, you didn’t get to watch “Game of Thrones” last night. You were looking forward to catching up on it tonight without knowing what’s going to happen, but The Spoiler has other plans for you, and loudly announces every twist, every character death and every revelation. Whether it’s just forgetfulness or a sick compulsion to ruin things for others, The Spoiler cannot resist the urge to divulge sensitive plot points to anyone standing near a water cooler. So steer clear of him on Monday morning, unless you want to know who dies in the season finale without actually seeing it for yourself. |
